Curses Upon Kitsitting!
by Narcissa24601
Summary: Squirrelflight's out of camp, and Firestar and Sandstorm are forced to babysit the Power of Three while she's gone. Featuring knitting, mild innuendo, Yahoo!, and poking excessive fun at the Twilight series, this is one insane visit to Grandma's!
1. The Insanity Begins

**A/N: I'm FINALLY back with another story! HUZZAH! My computer was being a butthead for a very, very long time, and then I had a ton of schoolwork to catch up on and some academic competitions *assumes snobby tone of scholarly smartness*, so yeah… *gets rid of snobby tone* Anyway, I'm back! This is my first story for the Warriors fandom. It takes place around the time of **_**The Sight. **_**Now on with the fic!! :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors. If I did, Oakheart would have joined ThunderClan to be with Bluestar, Silverstream and Mosskit would be alive, Cinderpelt/Littlecloud would be canon, and Spottedleaf would have never existed. Mwahaha. I also do not own the comparison of Edward Cullen to Yellowfang; I modified that from a Warriors parody on deviantArt called "Warriors Spoof ITW." My friend owns "Stay off mah Ohno." And I don' t own Chutes and Ladders. Okay, let's just say I don't own anything. Happy now?**

The sun was sinking in the sky over ThunderClan. Said sky was pink and purple. The authoress continued to build setting descriptions, just in case this becomes a massive hit and you decide to write a book report with it. You're welcome. Firestar was sitting outside his den with Sandstorm, quietly sharing a piece of fresh-kill, and most of the cats were also finishing meals, sharing tongues, or retiring to their dens. Since this serenity is getting seriously Not-Warriors-Like, let's spice things up! ZOMSC LOOK SQUIRRELFLIGHT ZOOMED INTO THE CAMP!! She was panting heavily!! ZOMG!! WHAT HAPPENED?? Squirrelflight didn't stop until she reached her parents, who looked up in alarm at their daughter's frizzed-out fur and wild look in her eyes. You know, I look like that too when I don't use conditioner, so I don't know what all the fuss is about.  
"What's going on, Squirrelflight?" asked Sandstorm.  
Squirrelflight let out a wail of desperation, which drew many of the cats to the center of the hollow to see what was causing the hullabaloo. "IT'S BRAMBLECLAW!!"  
Most of the cats *headdesked* and let out moans of "Not again." Well, except for Ashfur. He started partying.  
Firestar tensed. "Has he been attacked?"  
Squirrelflight blew her nose on her tail and nodded. "W-we were patrolling by the ShadowClan border, and... and we smelled a fresh scent. We couldn't tell if it was on ThunderClan territory or not, so we decided to wait until they came by again. W-while we were waiting... Brambleclaw spotted a Twoleg book laying in the grass nearby. It was called Twilight or something-"  
Spiderleg called out, "Isn't that the name we gave to the second generation, part 5 of our Clan history? Like, when Leafpool ran off with Crowfeather-"  
"Save it for the health education part of your apprenticeship," growled Leafpool. "I think they added a 'Stay Away from Forbidden Love' section after Crowfeather and I had all that fun up in the hills-"  
"This is getting rather raunchy," commented Thornclaw. "Shouldn't we keep it to a PG rating at least?"  
"Get your mind out of the ravine, Thornclaw," mewed Cloudtail.  
"I'm not an apprentice anymore," muttered Spiderleg mutinously.  
"SHUT UP, EVERYONE!" shrieked Squirrelflight. "ANYWAY, it didn't have cats on the cover. It had some Twoleg fruit... I think it's called an apple. And so Brambleclaw started reading it... to pass the time. And... t-that's when the ShadowClan patrol came by and attacked Brambleclaw. One of them said t-that the book was a stupid Twoleg-kit vampire romance novel and that anybody who read it was stupid. Then Brambleclaw said something about being on 'Team Edwardpaw,' and then one of the ShadowClan cats said that he was on 'Team Jacobpaw,' and then the fight broke out."  
"They attacked him on our own territory?" called Brackenfur. "ZOMSC!"  
"Uh-huh," sobbed Squirrelflight. "And then they took him prisoner for being on Team Edwardpaw!"  
Yowls of outrage came from most of the cats, except for Mousefur. "Hey, I've heard of that book!" she meowed loudly, and everyone turned to look at her except for Ashfur, who continued to party it up in the corner with the catnip and the root beer. "It's supposed to be really horrible. Like, it's about this stupid apprentice-age Twoleg kit who whines all the time, and then she moves to a new Clan called ForkClan, where it rains all the time, and she's super upset about that, and then she meets a really attractive tom, but he turns out to be a cannibalistic thousand-year-old sparkly virgin-"  
"Sounds like Yellowfang!" called out Dustpelt.  
"She wasn't a virgin, you idiot." Sandstorm rolled her eyes. "Remember Brokentail?"  
"What does THAT have to do with anything?" hissed Dustpelt. "Kits come from the stork, DUH!"  
"ForkClan? What in Tigerstar's name is a fork?" asked Sorreltail, apparently still thinking about Mousefur's words.  
"That rhymed!" shouted Poppypaw. "Stork, fork!"  
"Anyway," finished Mousefur, "it's horribly written. I heard that there were 30129478344028942 uses of the word 'murmur' in the first paragraph."  
Honeypaw gasped. "ZOMSC! Nobody, like, murmurs anymore. That, like, TOTALLY went out of style in the time of, like, LIONCLAN. If Brambleclaw, like, doesn't care about tha FASHION TRENDS, he TOTALLY deserves to be, like, kidnapped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11"  
"Singin' polly wolly doodle all day..." sang Ashfur drunkenly in the corner.  
"You know," mused Cloudtail, "maybe Honeypaw has a point. This certainly sounds like one stupid book. REAL warriors should be hunting for the Clan, not reading young-kit cannibal romance novels. I mean, our forbidden loves are SO much cooler."  
"Is there something you'd like to tell me about your personal experience with forbidden love?" Brightheart shot Cloudtail a suspicious glare.  
"I agree with Cloudtail," piped up Cinderpaw. "I heard it got really bad reviews. And if Twolegs like it, then it's probably a bad thing."  
Mewls of agreement were heard from the crowd.  
"SO LET'S SHUN BRAMBLECLAW AND HAVE A PART-AY!" shouted Ashfur.  
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Squirrelflight.  
"OHNO!" shouted Poppypaw.  
"STAY OFF MAH OHNO!" meowed Ferncloud.  
"Huh?" meowed Dustpelt.  
"Stupid tom," muttered Ferncloud. "We're talking about APOLO OHNO, aka the extremely attractive Twoleg. He's supposed to be super-speedy. Good hunters are especially valued among she-cats, you know."  
Dustpelt started to cry.  
"SILENCE!" shouted Firestar. "Brambleclaw is a good warrior, and he has the right to read whatever he wants. He's the deputy, for StarClan's sake. We can't leave him alone in ShadowClan. So Squirrelflight, you will lead a patrol to go get him. Whitewing, Berrypaw, and Thornclaw can go with you."  
"I still think no self-respecting warrior reads Twoleg novels," muttered Thornclaw. "Especially crappy-quality Twoleg novels like this one."  
"Shut up," hissed Firestar.  
The cats began to troop out of the hollow and into the pinky purple sky we discussed earlier. See? I'm still accommodating your book reports! I'm so nice! As Squirrelflight passed Firestar, she stopped. "Thanks, Firestar," she mewed. "Oh, and I could still be gone after nightfall, so would you mind looking after Lionkit, Hollykit, and Jaykit for me? Like a sleepover? It'll be fun for them... they can get to know their grandparents better."  
Firestar stared at her. "How are Sandstorm and I supposed to take care of kits?" he mewed. "I'm old. Just this morning I woke up with a gray fur patch on my tail and a receding muzzle-line, and I was thinking about the scar I have from Clan War II-"  
"Do some research or something," Squirrelflight cut in impatiently. "I've got to go. You'll be fine." She raced off after the others, leaving Firestar staring, stricken, off into the distance.  
Sandstorm padded over to him. "What's wrong?" she asked.  
Firestar looked at her. "We have to kitsit Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit until Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw get back."  
Sandstorm stared at him for a minute. Then she turned tail and started running toward the entrance to the camp.  
"Where are you going?" cried Firestar.  
"I'm going to the abandoned Twoleg nest," she called. "Maybe they have games for kits still there or something. Like 'Chutes and Ladders.'"  
"What the dirt is a ladder?" Firestar raised an eyebrow.  
"Daisy told me about it! Now I'm leaving so I can get back before moonhigh!" She raced off.

Firestar sighed, watching her go, and then slowly began to pad over to the nursery. It would be best to get this over with.

**Did you like it? Was it horribly pathetic and annoying, what with the self-inserts and the cats' sudden ability to read the English language? Tell me about it!! REVIEW, PLEASE!! Anyone who does gets a cookie! **


	2. Musical Madness and Abbreviations Galore

**A/N: I'm back! With a new chapter of epic proportions! Well. Not really. Anyway, on with the fic!**

**Disclaimer: You know the drill. **

Although he was walking as slowly as his paws would carry him while still moving forward, Firestar soon reached the dreaded destination: THE NURSERY. *dramatic music* He keeled over in horror, disgust, and slow motion as the kit fumes assailed his nostrils. As he blacked out, Bluestar's face appeared to him, but he couldn't make out the words she spoke. Moaning in agony, through a haze of pain, he felt a poke in the ribs with a paw, and he struggled to open his eyes.

_Am I dying?_ he thought. Then he did die, and Oakheart descended from StarClan to become the interim leader, and the authoress' fangirl tendencies were satisfied; she likes Firestar, but Oakheart kicks every cat's butt.

Just kidding. Firestar merely tripped when he got in the den entrance. And there was no dramatic music, but if this becomes a movie, I vote for the same guy who composed the score for Pirates of the Caribbean to make up some nice angst-filled music for me. If he's reading this, thanks in advance. I'll be sending you a check soon.

"Firestar, get up," came the impatient mew of Ferncloud. "What in the Dark Forest are you doing down there?"

"N-n-nothing," Firestar said quickly, attempting to get to his paws.

"Well, get up!" squealed Daisy. "Your fur, like, TOTAHLLAY clashes with the, like, moss in, like, here!"

Firestar glared at her. "And I suppose my voice is interrupting the Ke$ha music in here, too," he growled sarcastically.

Daisy gasped. "How did you, like, KNOW that we were all like, playing, like, Ke$ha?"

"That's what she mewed!" came a squeaky mew from a gray kit in the back of the nursery.

Firestar chose to ignore this interlude. "Because I can hear it. And it sucks. Why don't you listen to Coldplay or something?"

The same mouthy kit gasped again. "Dude! Coldplay's even worse! I vote for Justin Bieber!"

The other kits groaned. "FML."

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT COLDPLAY!" shouted Firestar. "Viva la Vida is the best song EVER!"

"It's overplayed," countered the kit.

"I suppose you're going to tell me that Susanpaw Boyle should have won ThunderClan's Got Talent, now, aren't you?" Firestar mewed ironically; he knew he shouldn't get into an argument with the kits he was supposed to be babysitting this early on in the evening, but he couldn't help it. He loved Coldplay too much. *sad music*

"Well… yes," mewed the sassy youngster.

Firestar narrowed his eyes. "What's your name, sonny?"

"Jaykit," he answered.

_Oh, dirt,_ thought Firestar. _This IS one of Squirrelflight's. Now I have to put up with this all night. _

"No. I'm Leafpool's kit," Jaykit mewed, as if he could hear Firestar's thoughts.

Daisy slapped a tail over Jaykit's muzzle. "Jaykit, what did we say about plot spoilers?"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "No spoiling plots, no playing rough, no sneaking out to strip clubs in the middle of the night. You people have waaaaaaaaay too many rules. I can take care of myself, you know!"

"What did we say about overuse of the letter 'a?'" chided Daisy.

"But that's against the warrior code, Jaykit!" squealed another kit.

Relieved to find at least one reverent cat in the nursery, Firestar turned his attention to the new kit. "And who are you?"

"I'm Hollykit," she meowed. "I'm Jaykit's sister, and this is our other brother, Lionkit." She pointed with her tail to a golden kit, who waved a paw at Firestar. "And over there is Foxkit and Icekit," she continued, indicating two kits who were asleep in the corner. "They're Ferncloud's."

"Thank you, Hollykit," Firestar mewed appreciatively.

Hollykit dipped her head. "I hope you weren't offended by my brother's disorderly conflict. Please rest assured that I would never do anything as disrespectful to the warrior code as he would do. I love the warrior code. I will never take a mate. I will only love the warrior code. Warrior code. Warrior code. Warrior code. Warrior code." Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she began to foam at the mouth. "Forgive me!" she shouted. "'Tis the strength of my passion!" Then she toppled over.

Now rather freaked out, Firestar addressed the last kit. "Hello, Lionkit."

"Hi," mewed the kit.

Firestar was relieved that this kit seemed fairly normal. He patted him on the head, and the kit purred. Then Firestar turned back to Daisy and Ferncloud, who had been watching the drama unfold.

"Forgive me," he began. "I never told you why I was here. I'm supposed to be kitsitting my grandkits for the night while Squirrelflight is away, and I'll be taking them to my den now. Sandstorm and I will take good care of them."

"Holy crap!" yelled Jaykit. "You're kitnapping us!"

"No-" faltered Firestar, but Jaykit cut in again. "NO!" he shouted. "STAY BACK! DON'T TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Let's make a price," sang Ferncloud. "I'll give you all of ten pieces of fresh-kill…"

"It pays a debt," warbled Jaykit.

"Just think of that…" hummed Ferncloud.

"What can I do, it pays a debt… TEN FRESH-KILL PIECES MAY SAVE MY PELT!"

"What in the raisin are you cats singing about?" Firestar was utterly bewildered.

"Les Miserables, you imbecile!" cried Jaykit. "It's the best musical ever! THAT'S why anyone with a SOUL thinks that Susanpaw Boyle should have won ThunderClan's Got Talent!"

"NO WAY!" screeched Hollykit. "That dance troupe was awesome!"

"Whatever!" shouted Firestar, feeling that the conversation was getting out of hand as he watched Hollykit and Jaykit unsheathing their claws. "Come on, kits, we need to go back to my den now."

"Not before I make Hollykit pay!" screamed Jaykit, lunging at his sister, but missing because he couldn't see her and falling on his butt. Hollykit cackled, foamed at the mouth, and fell backwards, where she muttered something about the warrior code including payback for wayward brothers.

"ENOUGH!" cried Ferncloud. "Do as your leader tells you."

The kits sullenly trooped out of the nursery. Lionkit looked up at Firestar, suddenly forming an idea in his small head. "Can we ride on your back like a pony?" he asked.

Hollykit squeaked in terror. "That's against the warrior code! Oh, StarClan, I am in the company of evil spirits! My father reads Twilight and my brothers are disrespectful to their ancestors' traditions…

"And my parents aren't dead, my life sucks, I can't hold down a girlfriend, and I'm surrounded by frickin' goblins and stuff. I mean, what the mouse dung?" cut in Lionkit.

"Oh, 'tis an unhappy life for me!" Hollykit fell over again.

"Does she have AIDS or something?" questioned Firestar. "She keeps fainting."

"AAFM," answered Lionkit. "An Affliction for Melodrama." She diagnosed it herself.

"Ohhhhh," mewed Firestar. "I see."

"That's what she mewed," Jaykit's sightless eyes danced with amusement. (And that's the Epic Line of Wordiness that you can quote if you still need this fic for a book report.)

"What is with you and that phrase?" muttered Firestar angrily. "Do you even know any other words?"

"Yeah," said Jaykit. "I know plot spoilers. By the way, in season 5 of Criminal Minds, Haley Hotchner dies." He pulled a keyboard out of nowhere and began to play a chord of *dramatic music.*

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Firestar, furious. "I didn't watch that season because Sandstorm wanted to watch RiverClan's Next Top Model! NOW YOU'VE RUINED IT!"

"On page 633, Dumbledore dies," continued Jaykit blithely. Before Firestar could pull a Darkstripe and shove deathberries down the kit's throat, he noticed that they had arrived at his den.

"Okay, kits, everybody off," he mewed with a last attempt at friendliness, shaking the kits off his pelt, where they landed unceremoniously on the ground. "We'll go inside and pick a movie, and then we'll all knit together and have storytime and make pancakes tomorrow morning before Squirrelflight comes to pick you up. Isn't that what good grandcats have their grandkits do?"

"Screw it!" shouted Jaykit. "I'm gonna sneak out in the middle of the night and hit the club."

Firestar, shocked, thought to himself, _Why did Squirrelflight have to have kits, exactly?_

"Well, Firestar," began Jaykit, doing the creepy mind-reading thing again, "when a tom and a she-cat…"

"I KNOW that, thank you," growled Firestar. "What do you think Sandstorm and I do in here? It's not all sharing tongues and discussing battle strategies, you know… it frequently gets more exciting than that. Why, I remember one time-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" cried Hollykit and Jaykit. Lionkit, however, looked at Firestar with a hurt expression.

"I thought kits came from the stork," he whispered. "You're crushing everything I believed in… how could you do this to me?" He began to cry.

"Aw, shut up," the other kits squeaked.

Firestar went over to the closet and pulled out a stack of books with titles like "Understanding Your Body" and "Healthy Apprentices Stay Away From Forbidden Love, And That's Why Bella Swan Sucks" and slapped them down in front of Lionkit. Just as the kits began to squeal at the full-colored diagrams, Sandstorm padded into the den, with a game of Chutes and Ladders clamped in her jaws.

"I'm back-" she mewed, breaking off when she saw the kits' reading material. "Firestar, do you really think it's wise to give them the talk this early? And how did this even come up?"

"Uh…" stammered Firestar.

Sandstorm's eyes glittered with amusement. Hollykit noticed.

"GRANDMA SPARKLES!"

The other kits gasped. "Like Edward Cullen? SHUN!"

"What the dirt?" Sandstorm interjected indignantly. [Ooh, alliteration!] "Maybe I sparkle like Apolo Ohno's skate blade or something!"

The kits gasped.

"She's Apolo Ohno!" they mewed in unison, and immediately sprang at her, clamoring for an autograph.

"Stay off mah Ohno!" cried Firestar.

Finally, the kits calmed down, and the two grandcats managed to wrestle them into their sleeping bags. Humbled, all three closed their eyes, and Firestar and Sandstorm heaved sighs of relief.

"Can you believe our luck?" Sandstorm whispered. "It's not even moonhigh and they're asleep!"

Just then, Jaykit opened his eyes and stared sightlessly at them. "Oh, we're not asleep yet," he grinned. "I demand we watch a movie first."

**Ooh, cliffhanger! Again! Yeah, I thought this chapter wasn't nearly as funny as the last one, but I still want to know what you think! Ideas are welcomed in the reviews. Don't worry, I'll work super-hard on the next chapter to make up for this sort of suckish one… I just really wanted to update! Ta-ta for now!**


	3. Help from StarClan and Slim Shady

**A/N: New chappie! HUZZAH! I'm taking a little break from Firestar's point of view; this one's going to be from Bluestar's! In the SKY! OOH PLOT TWIST! MWAHAHA! Okay, I'll shut up now. ON WITH LA FIC!**

**Disclaimer: I'm going to use a clichéd plot device and have a random cat say the disclaimer with me. How about… um… Yellowfang? OH, YELLOWFANG! *resists the urge to call her "Old Yeller"***

**Yellowfang: You call me Old Yeller, and I will personally see to it that Tigerstar's ghost slowly and brutally murders you in your sleep. Oh, and you won't just land in the Dark Forest, you'll land in the Dark Forest: Disney Corporation Branch.**

**Me: OMIGOD! *quakes with fear* NOT THE DISNEY CORPORATION BRANCH! ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE!**

**Yellowfang: *is pleased***

**Me: But wait… how did you know I was thinking about Old Yeller?**

**Yellowfang: *shocked* WAIT, YOU WERE? SMITE! *points a paw at the authoress. Authoress becomes a small heap of dust on the floor***

**Me: *is dust***

**Yellowfang.: Okay, so disclaimer. Yeah. This pathetic Twoleg apprentice doesn't own Warriors. Or the song about Camille the caterpillar that she learned on her recent trip to Quebec City. And this is because she sucks.**

**Dust Pile: I HEARD THAT! *morphs back into an authoress***

**Yellowfang: *headdesk***

**Readers: tl;dr**

One evening up in the sky, Bluestar was lying in her den, telling Mosskit a story. The other cats were lazily finishing fresh-kill and sharing tongues outside, and the setting sun smiled warmly upon every cat's pelt. ZOMSC. More non-canon serenity. Oh noes. SO LET'S MIX IT UP!

"That's what she mewed!" Jaykit grinned.

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS PART, YOU TROGLODYTE!" the authoress shouted, enraged at her sudden inability to evilly manipulate the characters to her will, because if she can't make them do what she wants anymore, there's really no point to writing this fic, and thus no way to get out of doing her algebra homework. "GO BACK TO YOUR STORYLINE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Someone's huffy today," sniffed Jaykit, and promptly proceeded to trip over a cloud and fall back down to earth.

Anyway, Oakheart [fangirl scream] came rushing into the den at this moment, startling pretty much every cat in the clearing. ZOMSC! DÉJÀ VU! Bluestar looked up in alarm at her mate.

"What the dirt is going on?" she shrieked.

Mosskit oohed. "Mommy said a swear word, Mommy said a swear word," she chanted gleefully.

"Be quiet," snapped Bluestar. "Go read the 2010 Winter Olympics Yahoo! blog or something."

"But I've already read that, like, a million times!" Mosskit protested. "And Leonardo DiCaprio is WAY hotter than Apolo Ohno anyway!"

"WHAT? No WAY!" shouted Bluestar. "Ohno FOR THE WIN!"

"He touched another tom's bum-bum in the race," Mosskit grinned happily, obviously enjoying herself.

Oakheart coughed. Bluestar looked up, focused again, and asked what he had to say.

"You have to come to the observation deck, now!" he urged. "There's a seriously hilarious scene playing out in Firestar's den!"

Bluestar groaned. "Is it Firestar and Sandstorm up to naughty things again? It was _very _awkward the last time I accidentally tuned in to that channel… not to mention Firestar's apparent, well, _lack of technique-"_

"Shh," Oakheart chided. "Mosskit's here. And no, it's way funnier than that. Like, Firestar's kitsitting those uber-annoying grandkits of his, 'cause Brambleclaw's being held hostage by ShadowClan for reading _Twilight _and Squirrelflight's gone to rescue him, and they're having "The Talk" right now! I swear, this is even funnier than the time when Crookedstar and the medicine cat were caught-"

"MOSSKIT'S HERE, YOU KNOW!" shouted Bluestar.

"Get your mind out of the ravine. But come on! Let's go watch the sleepover!"

"Okay," agreed Bluestar. "But won't it be bad for ratings if we're seen together? I mean, the Erins keep making us fight at every Gathering-"

"Eh, they're Twolegs," Oakheart breezed. "All Twolegs are insane, you know that. They're Negative Nancys."

"It's Negative Nellie," corrected Bluestar.

"No," argued Oakheart. "I'm positive it's Negative Nancy."

"It's Negative Nancy," put in Mosskit.

"NO! IT'S NEGATIVE NELLIE!" shouted Bluestar, and began to cry.

"Fine. Let's just call them Debbie Downers. Or joy-killers," negotiated Oakheart.

"HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY-" sang Mosskit.

"NOT THAT SONG AGAIN!" screamed her parents, in unison. I'm impressed. Unison takes mad skillz.

"Okaaaay…" drawled Mosskit. "How about- 'Camille, le chenille, ce plie, ce deplie! Camille, le chenille, ce plie, c'est la vie! WHEE!'"

"Lolwut?" lolwhutted Bluestar.

"It's a super epic song from QuebecClan about a caterpillar named Camille!" explained Mosskit happily. "Want me to sing the catspeak version?"

"I can't haz listen," quipped Bluestar.

"Come on!" urged Oakheart.

The three cats bounded out of the den and towards the observation deck, where a bunch of telescopes and a MacBook were set up in a semi-circle. Only one other cat, Hailstar, was there, peering forlornly down the RiverClan telescope.

"Ooh! The MacBook is actually charged today!" squealed Mosskit, and immediately logged onto Facebook.

Bluestar spared her daughter a disdainful glance before peering into the telescope. Down below, she saw Jaykit begging to watch "The Hangover." Shocked, she shot a glance at Oakheart, who was quivering with silent laughter.

"'The Hangover?'" she repeated, incredulous. "In my day, we kits watched 'Leave it to Beaverpaw!"

Oakheart rolled his eyes and shook his head. The fangirls screamed, and began doing a complicated new dance in the tradition of the Cha-Cha Slide that featured enthusiastic use of eye-rolling and head-shaking. Then he put his eye to the telescope-

"HEY!" shouted Mosskit. "Isn't 'Eye to the Telescope' the name of KT Tunstall's first album?" She began to sing "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" loudly and in an off-key manner.

"OMSC," muttered Hailstar. "You're more off-key than the authoress- what's her name? Narcissapaw?- and that's saying something. Remember that time she tried out for the drama club? Great StarClan, I think my ears bled…"

"Hey," reproached Oakheart. "The kid's got a dream. Leave her alone." He carefully did not place his eye to the telescope this time, but rather peered into the long-range vision device, and a strange sight indeed was waiting for him.

"_BUT I WANNA WATCH THE HANGOVER!" shouted Jaykit angrily._

"_SHUT UP, JAYKIT!" roared Sandstorm, losing patience. _

_Lionkit, scared at his normally kind grandmother's sudden irritability, hid under the sleeping bags and began to peruse his new copy of "How Kits are Made." Hollykit smacked Jaykit across the muzzle, and piped up, "Dear grandcats, allowing kits to watch R-rated movies is most definitely against the warrior code! You do right to refuse him." _

_Sandstorm was not fooled. "Is this some sort of ploy to get a cookie?"_

_Hollykit began to cry. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?"_

Oakheart looked up at Bluestar, removing his eye from the telescope. Mosskit began to sing again. Oakheart ignored her.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Bluestar nodded grimly. "This situation calls for…"

"A PROPHECY," they mewed simultaneously.

The dramatic music swelled in the background.

"We REALLY have to help Firestar… those kits are simply terrible. But do you think we'll need to get permission to intercede in the living cats' lives?" fretted Bluestar.

"Nah," breezed Oakheart. "There's no way it'll be that serious. And besides, that involves paperwork. Like, signing all that dirt about 'I will not make any changes besides what are necessary,' 'I will not do anything stupid,' 'I will not hit the strip club with Jaykit, no matter how tempting it may or may not be.'"

"Mm-hmm," assented Bluestar.

"So let's just go to the Prophecy Center right now and put in a request," Oakheart continued.

"What'll we write?" questioned Bluestar.

Oakheart paused. "How about… 'No cat can have any fun, 'cause the twilight hour will bring none. Jaykit cannot hit the club, and Firestar cannot go to the… pub. Oh, and Apolo Ohno is so fine, he will make a cameo appearance in time.' Oh yesh. THAT RHYMED. I AM DR. SEUSS."

"Yesterday you were the real Slim Shady," muttered Bluestar.

"But Apolo Ohno is merely tolerable, and not handsome enough to tempt me!" cried Mosskit.

"Mosskit, Apolo Ohno is SMOKING HOT. So please shut your mousetrap," mewed Bluestar patiently. "And Oakheart… we're trying to HELP them here, not bring more hardship."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"I'm thinking we need to make a little unauthorized visit to the lake," grinned Bluestar, in a very-out-of-character manner.

"Hmmm," hmmed Oakheart. "Sounds fun. I'm in. My, my, you certainly are a rebel now."

"Yeah, that's right," shouted Bluestar. "I CAN HAZ ATTTTTTIIITTTTUUUUUDEEEEE!" She proceeded to trip over a cloud and fall down to earth.

"WAIT FOR US!" called Oakheart, and together, he and Mosskit jumped over the cloud and began to fly down to the lake.


	4. The Authoress Hides in the Tuba Case

**A/N: All righty, everyone, I'm updating... FINALLY, I know! My dad passed away recently and I just haven't felt up to writing crack!fic, but all the reviews and favorites I've received, even six months after the last update, have inspired me so much. This chapter's insanely short, but hopefully I'll be able to update a LOT faster after this. I love you all! And MERRY CHRISTMAS! **

**Disclaimer: MEEP. **

As Oakheart, Bluestar, and Mosskit traveled down to the ThunderClan camp despite loud mews of protest from the Erins and dire warnings from the networks of low ratings, the authoress pulled out her tuba and played a few off-key measures of *dramatic music*. In response, all four Clans, the Tribe, and most of the human population of the world all covered their ears in horror. The authoress, shamed, hid inside the tuba case.

"HEY!" shouted Jaykit. "Now that the mouse-brained authoress isn't controlling every aspect of our lives, we can do anything we want!"

"No," sternly reprimanded Firestar. "Until the authoress comes back, I will act as guardian, and I say that you may not watch R-rated movies. You may not hit the strip club. You may not play Ke$ha, Lady GaGa, or Spose music, although I will permit Katy Perry as long as you don't watch the music videos."

"You didn't say anything about plot spoilers!" crowed Jaykit triumphantly.

"No-" began Firestar.

"I'M LEAFPOOL'S KIT!" shouted Jaykit. "Hollykit's not in the prophecy! Lionkit's in loooooove with someone from WindClan! Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw break up! AND SNAPE HAD A CRUSH ON HARRY POTTER'S MOM!"

"Gosh, this fic is getting repetitive," mewed Sandstorm.

The authoress climbed out of the tuba case long enough to whack Sandstorm over the head with her other instrument, Mr. Fitzwilliam de Trombone, and then start sobbing hysterically at the criticism to her beloved fic.

"Ewwwww!" squealed Lionkit. "I am not in love with anyone from WindClan! She-cats have cooties!"

Hollykit patted Lionkit on the head kindly. "It's okay, Lionkit... the warrior code won't discriminate against you because you're gay."

"What?" mewed Lionkit. "I'm not-"

Firestar also patted Lionkit. "Your sister's right. It's really okay, Lionkit. If you're not interested in she-kits, nobody will have a problem with that. Ferncloud and Dustpelt produce enough kits for ten Clans, so we won't need you and your future mate to help."

Sandstorm muttered something about the state that her internal organs would be in if she had ended up mating with Dustpelt after all.

"What was that?" growled Firestar.

All of a sudden, a crappy-quality cell phone recording of a song from Glee began blaring. Firestar, looking sheepish, answered it.

"Hello?" he mewed, turning his back to the kits and pacing along the far wall of the cave, not for any particular reason besides plot development. "Squirrelflight! Yes... yes... okay, good. When will you be released? Okay. Okay. Good. Bye bye." Firestar snapped his phone shut and turned around, to have a strange sight meet his eyes; the kits were reenacting the Single Ladies music video. Leotards and all.

Firestar began banging his head against the wall, yowling "ANGST. ANGST. ANGST."

"Draco likes honey, Draco likes toothpaste, Draco likes money!" squealed Sandstorm, who had a deep and fiery passion from the depths of her soul for Potter Puppet Pals, and who had also chosen this moment to return to the den.

"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!" screamed Firestar. "I QUIT-"

"Magic?"

"NO! THE LEADERSHIP!" Firestar ran out into the night, found a strip club, and-

The authoress, now feeling recovered enough to leave the tuba case and go back to her laptop, scrolled through the cats' activities that had happened while she was gone. Horrified at the repetitiveness of the story-

"HA! TOLD YOU SO!" shouted Sandstorm.

-and the mention of Glee, a program that the authoress despises with all her heart and soul, she decided to begin controlling the story more strictly.

"HEY! THIS IS A DICTATORSHIP!" shouted the authoress' geometry teacher, a likable person, but who has a bit of an obsession with Stalinist Russia. "VIVE LA REPUBLIQUE! FREE THE PROLETARIAT! SMALLER GOVERNMENT FOR ALL!"

The authoress ignored this and continued writing to twist the story back to her own will. Firestar returned from the strip club. He and Sandstorm did {censored}, because the authoress thinks they should have had a second litter in canon. Lionkit, Hollykit, and Jaykit sat down and continued perusing their copies of "How Kits are Made." Mosskit, Bluestar, and Oakheart made their long-awaited appearance from the sky and strutted into the den dramatically.

"OAKHEART'S HERE!" cheered the fangirls. "3 3 3 OMG!11 ily!"

"Bluestar?" gasped Firestar and Sandstorm.

"Mmph," mewed Bluestar cryptically.

"We are here to assist you in any way we can," mewed Oakheart, not as cryptically.

"I'm hungry," mewed Mosskit.

**A/N: YAY! FINAAAAALLY DONE! Ideas for chapter 5? I'm doing it from Squirrelflight's POV. It shall be fun and there will actually be new jokes! Really! I promise! So stick with the fic, kiddles! NARCISSA OUT!**


	5. Republicans and Talent Shows

**A/N: Oh my StarClan, you people are AMAZING. I haven't updated in seven months, and yet I've still been getting reviews and people who add this to their alerts and favorites. I've also had several people add me to their favorite authors list, which has touched me deeply. I'm going through a difficult time in my life, and I'm extra-super-duper-grateful for the kindness and love that's been showered upon this sugar-crazed crack!fic. Now, I'm going to stop being sappy and get to the story! :D**

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I didn't own Warriors, or the concept behind talent shows. My best guy friend/archrival/love interest owns "I think you're trying to undermine me." However, if you are a good lawyer and/or upstanding citizen and are aware that this is now incorrect information, drop me a line and we can discuss my legal options over mocha-peppermint cappucinos. They're quite tasty beverages, you know.**

Meanwhile, as Jaykit and Firestar were arguing over the moral validity of strip clubs, Brambleclaw was being forcibly escorted to the ShadowClan camp by the border patrol that had found him.

"This is unethical! You didn't read me my Miranda rights!" Brambleclaw meowed angrily, trying to claw the cat that was keeping a grip on his tail.

The ShadowClan cats stopped in confusion at this.

"Huh?" one mewed.

"Who's... Mawander?" Another cat furrowed his brow and pawed at the ground in confusion as he spoke.

At this, the entire patrol stopped and applauded.

"You are very smart!" gushed the first cat. "Mir-Maw-Mah- AHHH I give up – is a big, big word!" The rest of the patrol nodded in agreement.

Brambleclaw watched the scene in disbelief. "Are you guys really this dumb?" he finally burst out.

"Of course we are!" mewed the "smart" cat. "Why else would we... oh, what's the word-"

"Read?" supplied another.

"Read! Yes, that's it. Why else would we read _Twilight _if we weren't..."

"Stupid?"

"Yes, that's the word! Stoo-peed!"

Brambleclaw bristled at this. "_Twilight _isn't that bad! Edward and Bella are a relatable and loving couple-"

The ShadowClan patrol started howling with laughter, and a fight might have broken out if the "smart" cat hadn't interrupted.

"Hey, guys, I think we're at the camp!"

"No we're not," scoffed another.

Brambleclaw was exasperated. "We are looking at an easily defensible clearing with dens and a fresh-kill pile, not to mention the fact that there are twenty cats here. I think we're at your camp."

"Are you sure?" The "smart" cat narrowed his eyes. "I think you're trying to undermine me somehow to your own advantage. I don't know how you're going to do it or how your plan works, but you're trying to undermine me."

A random desk suddenly materialized, and Brambleclaw *headdesked* it. "You are sadly mistaking my motives," he muttered in between whacks.

The cats stopped talking, unable to even think about the word "motives" without imploding from mental exhaustion, but then suddenly and simultaneously dropped to the ground in attitudes of submission.

"What in the name of Jane Austen is going on?" Brambleclaw looked around and found an explanation: Blackstar was padding toward them.

"Hello, Brambleclaw," he mewed grudgingly. "Hello, warriors."

"We have captured this enemy prisoner!" the "smart" cat mewed excitedly. "He is a threat to national security! We will win this war on terror!"

"You've been saying that since 2002." Blackstar rolled his eyes.

The patrol gasped.

"How l-lib-lib-uh-rul!" The "smart" cat was horrified.

"I bet you were born in ThunderClan!" growled another.

"Can we see your birth certiferycate?" roared the third.

Blackstar ignored their ridiculousness and continued. "I was going to say that I already know about this prisoner. His girlfriend has already come to see me and has explained everything."

"EW!" shrieked the patrol. "Girlfriend? Girls have cooties!"

Blackstar spared them a withering look. "She and I have come to an agreement. Brambleclaw, you and Squirrelflight will be allowed to go home, but first, you must do something for us."

"Like what?" inquired Brambleclaw.

"The two of you will have one day to organize a talent show for our camp. It will be held at sunset tomorrow, and if I enjoy it enough, you can go home. In addition, ShadowClan will leave ThunderClan alone for one moon."

The patrol gasped again.

"I bet he's a communist," moaned the "smart" cat.

"It sounds fair, sir," agreed Brambleclaw.

"Good. Then get to it. StarClan knows I haven't laughed in ages."

**A/N: OOOH CLIFFHANGER! This chappie's kinda short, but I hope you liked it! Ideas for chapter 6, anyone?**


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